Herein Lies All Heart and Sense

It has been a while since I last wrote here but today (and recently) I feel the need to just write it out, let everything out. Now that it has come to this point, there is nothing I can do but to think, feel, and write about this until my mind empties. 

In the recent months leading up to now, although I do not have a religious faith, my mind constantly and silently prayed that everything will be well, that this incurable sickness will not prevail, that someone out there (ie. God, The Holy One, pagan spirits, ancestral ghosts, or any higher power) would be able to prevent the inevitable end. However, what is happening will happen and now there is nothing to do but hope there will be no pain, or even if there is pain, it will be minimal as the time passes into eternal sleep. 

There is this unnerving calm as the clock ticks. Once the cord is pulled, how long can he last? The hope that his body would automatically pump towards independent life faded when the trial ended in disappointing failure. Now the final decision has been made and now the only hope is for a comfortable and painless passing. While the bystanders silently watch, the pain and turmoil only continues on until time slowly patches up but not fully fix this fresh wound.

For me, there will will be memories forever, but it will never be the same. Feelings of guilt, for being helpless, for being far away, for not spending enough time, etc. and feelings of sadness, are overwhelming but at the same time there are responsibilities, and the future. Life continues on, although with deep pits along the road.

Today, while walking along the Charles, over the Massachusetts Avenue bridge, as with all my long walks along the water I started thinking about how I cleanse my mind. Of the many choices out there, there are three things I usually do:

1. Cook and bake until my body tires and the entire apartment stinks with the scents of a five-course meal including one dessert.

2. Watch mindless television until I blackout and wake up the next day wondering why I would do that to myself.

3. Take long walks along the river with rock or hip-hop music blaring in my ears.

Of these three top deeds the last one produces the least regrets afterwards. Now why do I need to cleanse my mind? I think too much about everything. Sometimes I feel like there are some things I think about that I do not or should not think about. Like today - per my long walk over the bridge along the river from campus to home. Sometimes it is just best to tune out the world, close the doors to the outside, and just have a nice, calm meeting within myself - although sometimes it becomes the war of words within, in the end, with all the distractions gone, I can truly focus on myself and myself alone - inside and outside - reforming any damaged bridges, masks, and mentality from the sometimes harsh reality.

Rushing from the end of an errand, on the train, a standstill moment occurred. Perhaps it was unintentional but what happened created quite an effect. The hair had long become a mess from the wind. Face was flushed with heat. Two heavy bags of home items were clutched in my fists as a long stream of an unknown sticky substance lay dormant around my feet. The train finally approached the destination, and I prepared to leave. A small, moist hand brushed against mine on the way out. As I turned around, a baby stared straight at me with large, black eyes and reached out a hand to me. I stared at him, and he stared back innocently. I couldn’t help but grin despite being tired. The stress of rushing back and forth evaporated for that one second and he stared (seemingly with understanding or baby joy) before people started pushing out the doors and the world snapped back into the rocky world, reality.

Later on at night, in the lobby of my building, a fluffy, slightly shaggy dog turned around and stared at me before rushing towards me - tugging on the leash that held him captive. He reached expectantly towards me with eyes wide open and panting a little. He was adorable and either because of the Chinese fast food that was nearby or my hidden doggy attraction powers, he was eager to see me. 

Today was a busy day but these two little moments were two of the most touching times, during which I thought that they were trying to pull me out of the stressed-out state and into a more happier tone. Each time, I grinned playfully back at them, and both times, I was in deep thoughts, rushing about, and frowning overall.

A sob escapes from the curved piece of metal, which I hold clutched in my hand. The cool touch sharpens my senses to the wavering voice traveling into my ears and surrounding my mind. “Something bad happened,” echos throughout my brain. I begin to brace myself, but no matter the amount of mental preparation, it was to no avail. The slight waver of her voice tugged onto my heart. My mind swept up the appropriate words to say. 

After the real purpose of the call was conveyed and followed up, I continued speaking with her - aware that on the other side was an emotionally weakened person who was trying to be strong. Though, she wanted to end the call soon as she was trying to contain her tears, I kept her on purposely - hoping that what I had to say next would calm her emotions. After her next set of “thank-you for all your help,” I replied, “Hope his last days are comfortable. He is blessed to have his family with him - especially with her being strong by his side.” She was curious about how I could tell if we have never met and all I could say was, “Just by speaking with her on the phone and how she kept up with following up I could tell she was strong despite how much pain she was facing watching as the patient’s health deteriorated.”

Perhaps this is a statement I should not have said but the possibility that I could perhaps comfort her with these words after she received terrible news overrided my common sense. At the same time of me trying to give a sense of emotional support, she told me, “Thanks for your words and please believe that what you are doing helps many people despite the saddening news you hear.”

From then, I understood I received a greater gift than anything before. This simple statement alone is the motivation I need to continue the path I had taken. The very statement that makes me understand that despite the stress of the job, I can help people from behind the scenes in this painful battle. This was one of the sweetest moments of my life (thought it was a sad one as well). As I had received comfort and newfound energy from her words, I hope my words were able to soothe some of her pain - give her the strength to continue fighting on.