Hanashi No. 7/Kimochi No. 7:
It has been a while since I last wrote here but today (and recently) I feel the need to just write it out, let everything out. Now that it has come to this point, there is nothing I can do but to think, feel, and write about this until my mind empties.
In the recent months leading up to now, although I do not have a religious faith, my mind constantly and silently prayed that everything will be well, that this incurable sickness will not prevail, that someone out there (ie. God, The Holy One, pagan spirits, ancestral ghosts, or any higher power) would be able to prevent the inevitable end. However, what is happening will happen and now there is nothing to do but hope there will be no pain, or even if there is pain, it will be minimal as the time passes into eternal sleep.
There is this unnerving calm as the clock ticks. Once the cord is pulled, how long can he last? The hope that his body would automatically pump towards independent life faded when the trial ended in disappointing failure. Now the final decision has been made and now the only hope is for a comfortable and painless passing. While the bystanders silently watch, the pain and turmoil only continues on until time slowly patches up but not fully fix this fresh wound.
For me, there will will be memories forever, but it will never be the same. Feelings of guilt, for being helpless, for being far away, for not spending enough time, etc. and feelings of sadness, are overwhelming but at the same time there are responsibilities, and the future. Life continues on, although with deep pits along the road.